


nothing ever ends poetically (things end and we turns them into poetry)

by bexgempisces



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Year Gap, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, It’s very brief, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Nightmares, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, PTSD, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Season/Series 05, SHIELD in Infinity War, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Sparring, Training to Cope, because shield is there, but not really because the team got snapped, but season 6 doesn’t exist, daisy and Nat go way back, except Daisy oops, my brain gave you this, post 5x14, sorry - Freeform, they’re sad together it’s sad, what happened in between basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 10:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28349922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexgempisces/pseuds/bexgempisces
Summary: There are few times in her life she has felt so helpless. But people around her are turning to dust, her teammates, her family, turning to ash just like when she burned down the Red Room.And across the battlefield, Daisy Johnson is experiencing the same thing.>>Five year snap fic with Daisy and Nat being the best sisters.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov & Skye | Daisy Johnson
Comments: 18
Kudos: 117





	nothing ever ends poetically (things end and we turns them into poetry)

**Author's Note:**

> My god this is really something I’m so sorry. 
> 
> Basically i started this like last night? And I wrote it thru the night, took a three hour nap and continued writing lmao 
> 
> Anyways this is a very sad fic tbh and it’s very long so if you read the whole thing then I love you thank you 
> 
> WARNINGS: major character deaths(post IW), past trauma, grief, depression, attempted suicide(kind of), nightmares
> 
> NOTES: Fitz didn’t die like in 5x22, Nat and Daisy know each other from years ago, Daisy is younger than canon she’s like eighteen when shield picked her up so she’s like 23 when the snap happens? We’ll go with that
> 
> Enjoy! -bex xx

There are few times in her life she has felt so helpless. But people around her are turning to dust, her teammates, her  _family_ ,  turning to ash just like when she burned down the Red Room.

And across the battlefield, Daisy Johnson is experiencing the same thing. They thought when Talbot was shot into space they were finished, but of course not. She wouldn’t be that lucky, the fucking _universe_ isn’t done screwing with her yet, so they went straight from Chicago to the outskirts of Wakanda, where a mad Titan was hellbent on destroying the world, just like Talbot said.

And then it happened. In the literal snap of fingers, a single second that seemed to last a decade, everything both women knew was gone. 

Reduced to ash. 

Like the Red Room. 

Like the cracked Earth in the broken timeline they thought they stopped. 

“ _Wanda_...” Natasha whispers. 

“ _Jemma_...” Daisy echoes, just miles away. 

Jemma was the first to go. Fitz followed her, faithful husband even in...was this death? Daisy was still so angry but they didn’t have a chance to reconcile now. She has no idea if Deke went too. 

Coulson and May go together, both piles of ash seemed to mix. Daisy would think it was poetic, but in reality it’s just sad. 

Elena goes before Mack and Daisy has the horrifying courtesy of watching his immediate grief before he follows his lover. She grips his body as he turns to dust. 

Natasha tries to keep up with the bloodcurdling screams of grief and death but she can’t. There’s too many. 

Steve sobs for Bucky. For Sam. For his best friends, his brothers. She’s never seen him so anguished, not even when Peggy died. This is a different type of hurt, this runs gut deep like a bullet. But the bullets the Winter Soldier put in her stomach didn’t hurt like this. 

Okeye screams as T’Challa and Shuri disintegrate. They were both so young, so talented. Did Thanos choose the ones that would hurt the most or was it just a cruel lottery? 

She’s still sitting over Wanda’s ashes, Vision’s body not too far away. Vaguely, she’s aware of Steve and Rhodey starting to try to find some order but she can’t quite seem to move. An earthquake rolls the ground beneath their feet and there’s only two people she knows can do that. And Wanda is dust, so it has to be Daisy. 

“Nat? What’s wrong?” She’s up and moving, taking care not to tread on any of the little piles of remains of people they’ve lost. It’s only been ten minutes, but it feels like it’s been years. 

“Nat? Nat!” Steve calls behind her but she’s already moving toward the other side of the field. She can see the Zephyr in the distance, the stench of blood soaking the air like bleach. It’s a familiar smell, but there’s too much of it here.

The battlefield is quiet in the aftermath. Daisy hates the quiet. Hates the silence of the dead, the lack of vibrations like a hole in her chest. When she had the inhibitor on, her powers were still there, just muted, like she couldn’t quiet get a hold of them. And then Fitz cut it out and they came flooding back.

But that doesn’t compare to the silence of this massacre around her. For a while she thinks she died too, or she’s gone deaf, it’s so fucking quiet.

But then there’s screaming as people begin to react around her. Wakandan’s and humans and superheroes and aliens and all walks of life, all experiencing the same thing for this one horrible moment of time. She sits surrounded with Thanos’ children, most of them dead now, and the remnants of her family. The one she built through grief and loss and pain and happiness and light, gone in the blink of an eye.

But not all of them. Because Tasha is crossing the battlefield, running across dead bodies and fallen warriors like a woman possessed and Daisy stares as Tasha gets closer.

“Zee?” Natasha calls to the girl sitting in the destruction. Daisy looks so lost, so utterly broken, that it hurts more than seeing Steve or Okeye or Tony or any of them. Daisy was the first proper friend she ever made, the first person she considered family. The only one besides Clint to understand growing up completely alone, making your own way in the world with your eyes wide open, trying to swim before you drowned.

She met Daisy when Daisy was still Skye, fresh out of the orphanage, all of fifteen years old. She was running an op, pre-SHIELD so it was a hit job, on some mob boss that her employer was interested in. She was sent to an alleyway and told to find a hacker called “Skyenet”, one of the best in the world, for further information. 

She hadn’t expected “Skyenet” to be an underweight fifteen year old with an attitude problem and dislike for authority to be waiting in a blue van with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re late.” She’d said, taking out a USB and handing it to Natalia, at the time.

“You’re a child.” Natalia replied.

“And good enough to crack Russian mob bosses through encrypted back channels that had more viruses than a doctors office during flu season. Or yknow, the orphanage during winter. I’m Skye.” She stuck out a hand.

“Natal- _Natasha_.” She’d stumbled. Somehow, it didn’t feel right giving this girl that name. The name of a monster. This girl, whatever illegal business she was in was still so innocent, she didn’t deserve to be involved with a person like Natalia.

“Changed my name too, you get used to the slip-ups.” Skye teased and Natalia rolled her eyes. “I’ll give you my number. You need any hacking I’m your gal.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Keep out of trouble, Skye.”

“Sure. Have fun killing whoever I lost a laptop over.” Skye said, and then the door to the van was closed and Natalia was left wondering if all American teenagers were like that.

They weren’t. Skye was just one of a kind.

A month later she was taken in by SHIELD, and then there was months of deprogramming, trust exercises with Clint and Coulson, but she’d kept contact with Skye anyway. Mainly little messages left on message boards and coffee in disguises and walks through tiny towns that didn’t matter.

Skye kind of just slotted herself into Natasha’s life. Her first friend was a fifteen year old, who would have thought?

But Skye went dark when she was eighteen and Natasha didn’t hear from her until the data dump when a message popped up on one of the old boards.

 _ “ _ _Interesting move Spider. Checkmate.”_ And then her laptop exploded.

She found Daisy about two years later. Right after the battle at the airport in Germany, she was on a milk run for Tony and just back from Russia where she’d finally burned the Red Room to the fucking ground. Daisy was on the run from SHIELD, haunted and grieving and...

Looking a lot like now actually. The weight of the world on her shoulders, dust and blood and tears staining her face and body, dark bruises on her arms.

“Tasha?” Daisy choked out. She hadn’t seen Tasha since she’d ran from SHIELD, since Tasha removed a bullet from her leg because the Watchdog’s really loved those guns. She’d promised to keep in contact but then there was the Framework and LMD’s and then the end of the world and now... 

“You okay?” Natasha asked her. Daisy looked at her incredulously. 

“My entire team just turned to fucking ash, I got pumped full of Centipede serum mixed with my mothers DNA so I could shoot an army general with HYDRA brainwashing who had Gravitonium powers into space and my arms are probably broken. I’m just _peachy_ , how about you?”

* * *

_Two months since the Snap._  
  
Time seemed to speed up after that. Suddenly it’s been two months and the world is adjusting. Slowly. There’s still people crying in the streets and the memorial stones won’t be ready until June, but it’s progress. 

“Any word on Clint?” Natasha asks Daisy through her comms. He’s gone rogue and she doesn’t blame him, his entire family was snapped. Her family too. But if she concentrated on that she’d probably break and she can’t right now.

Not when Tony just got back from space and wants to spend time with the baby on the way, so she has to make sure his house is protected before he protects it and Steve is stepping back from heroics altogether and setting up support groups in Brooklyn, Banner was in a gamma lab for the foreseeable so there could be at least one Avenger out there, Rhodey was with Danvers on some galactic mission with what was left of the Gaurdians of the Galaxy as they called themselves and Clint....was on a murder spree across the world. 

And right now she’s trying to stop riots in Detroit, Sudan and Ireland, Sokovia had decided to start another civil war, politics are falling apart and the Russians are up to something and she’s only one person but there’s so many people out there that need help. So she swallows her grief as much as she can and sets up more missions, more meetings, more briefings, more agreements with countries and tries not to fall apart.

”No, sorry Nat. We’re gonna head into the HYDRA lab now, let’s pray this is the last one. See you back at the compound.” Thank god for Daisy and whatever was left of SHIELD when Daisy got back to the Lighthouse after the Final Battle, as they were calling it nowadays. SHIELD was back out of the shadows, names cleared and out of hiding now that the world had bigger fish to fry. Sokovia Accords were basically dismantled as well. 

“See you later.” The comms went dark and Nat collapsed back into her chair, trying not to let the tears fall. It all seemed so empty all of a sudden. She tucked her legs up and placed her forehead on her knees, letting herself take a second. It occurred to her that she was only wearing socks and they didn’t match. Funny how you stop noticing things like that after a while. 

She missed the team. The background chatter before and after missions, Thor grabbing the last Poptart at breakfast, Tony and Steve arguing over who sat at the head of the table, days with Clint in the vents of the Tower watching their latest prank unfold. They were the only people she’d ever felt safe with, safe enough to sleep without her wrist chained to the bed frame, secure to tell them about the Red Room when Tony found her beating a punch bag raw in the middle of the night. 

There is something so soul destroying in losing something you didn’t even realise you had in the first place. She hadn’t realised just how this team impacted her life until they were gone. 

“Base is cleared and it doesn’t look there’s any more. The snakes should be gone for a while now. Return to base?” Daisy’s voice broke her out of her state and she moved back to the screen. 

“Free to return to base agent.” She said, her voice thick with emotions in a way she didn’t often let it. 

“I’ll bring ice cream.” Daisy said before she signed off to fly the jet back to the compound, dropping the other agents home on the way. Her and Daisy were the only ones who stayed here full time, the other agents went home to whoever they had left. 

But for Daisy and Natasha, they _were_ all the other had.   
  


* * *

_Six months since the Snap._

Natasha watched as Daisy beat the bag senseless, rhythmic punches with a force behind them that shouldn’t be there at three in the morning. 

“What’s that bag ever do to you?” She asked loudly, hopefully breaking Daisy out of whatever trance she was stuck in, whatever memories she was reliving. She’d been through it enough herself to know the signs. 

Daisy turned at the sudden voice and looked at her with tears in her eyes. Suddenly all Natasha wanted to see was Skye in her van, so young and naive. But she was seeing Daisy, hardened and burned by the world she was destined to protect, even though it kept hurting her. 

Why is it always the good ones? 

“What’s going on Daisy?” Natasha keeps her movements slow and controlled, she doesn’t want Daisy to see her as a threat. 

“F-f-Fitz-he-“ She can’t get the words out. Daisy chokes through her sobs and moves backwards clumsily, sinking against the wall and trying to make herself as small as possible. Unconsciously, her fingers came up to the scar on her neck, feeling rough flesh instead of cold metal. 

“You’re safe Daisy. He can’t hurt you.” Natasha negates to mention that he can’t hurt her because he was snapped. She doesn’t even know what Fitz done or even who Fitz is, but she figures it wouldn’t help Daisy. “I’m going to come over, okay?” 

“He didn’t want to, but he still did. And everyone blamed me and now they’re gone and it’s my fault because if I’m the fucking Destroyer of World’s, why couldn’t I stop Thanos?” Daisy rambles, tears uncontrollably slipping down her face. It makes Natasha stop in her tracks. 

“Zee...none of us could stop Thanos. The fucking _God of Thunder_ couldn’t stop him, you aren’t to blame. None of us are to blame, or maybe all of us are to blame, but it doesn’t rest on you alone, okay?” She tells the shaking girl. She doesn’t quite believe it for herself, there was always more she could have done, should have done. But this life has taught her to not look back on could have’s and should have’s because it will only break you. 

The only good thing the Red Room and the KGB taught her was resilience. Even when the world is crashing down and burning at her feet, she will hold strong until she is safe enough to break. 

“Sorry I’m such a mess.” Daisy says quietly, still tucked into herself on the floor. Her hand rests on the floor and Natasha can see her left pinky tapping a slow rhythm on the ground. Daisy did it a lot, her fingers always seemed to moving. Maybe it was a vibration thing, or an Inhuman thing or maybe just a Daisy thing. 

“You’ve watched me sob over chocolate ice cream and Finding Nemo, the least I can do it return the favour.” Natasha told her, finally moving to stand over her, offering a hand. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not particularly. Can we just watch a movie or tv or something before we have to work?” Daisy said, grabbing Natasha’s hand for a help up. 

“Well, sad Disney movies are my speciality. We haven’t watched Moana yet, and there’s some Skittles in the pantry.” Natasha says and she gets a smile out of Daisy, so she’s pretty sure they’re gonna be okay for now. 

“Sounds good.”   
  


* * *

_Eight months after the Snap._

“Hey Steve, just thought I’d call to say Merry Christmas and whatever, I know it’s been a bad year, but I just thought I’d let you know that I’m here if you ever needed to talk or beat something up. Yeah...have a good Christmas Rogers.” She lets a few tears run down her cheeks as she ends the call. 

She knew the first Christmas would be hard. In the nine years they spent as team they spent six Christmases together. So, the fact that none of them are even picking up her calls is kind of a kick in the teeth. 

Well, Rhodey picked up. But he was in Australia with some family and so it was actually the 26th for him. But he wished her a Happy Christmas anyway and they exchanged pleasantries and whatnot. 

She got a thank you note from Pepper and Tony for little Morgan’s presents. She knew nothing about babies but Daisy thought an Iron Man onesie would be funny. As was the lion squishy toy called a “Squishmallow”. They all had them because Daisy decided they were necessary for getting over trauma. 

“I’ve found that stuffed animals are very good listeners.” She told Natasha with a grin as she wrapped the lion for Morgan, two different dinosaurs for Piper and Davis, a fish for the Inhuman seer child Robin, and a spider for an unknown. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Natasha had laughed. 

“But you love me.” Daisy laughed back, ignoring the old feeling of grief run down her back as she remembered that this was her first Christmas in five years without the team. Eighteen years on her own had prepped her for the empty holes, but the patchwork that five years with the team had seen over was beginning to fray and she wasn’t ready for it to unravel completely. 

“But I love you.” Natasha said, noticing the grief in her own eyes mirrored in Daisy’s. They were two sides of the same coin, both grew up isolated and alone, both weapons of destruction, both found families in their teams and it had been ripped away from both of them. They cling to each other like life rafts but Natasha had the feeling that they were sinking fast. 

“Hey Tasha? You busy?” Daisy’s voice cuts through the silence at the end of every phone call, the static before their answering machines picked up. 

“No. Come on through.” Daisy comes into the living room in the compound, arms full of wrapped presents. 

“You’re probably going to kill me for this, but it’s Christmas and neither of our families are here, so uh, I got you a couple things. It’s nothing massive and you can take them back or whatever if you want-“ 

“You’re rambling, sestra. Thank you, Zee, it, uh, it means a lot.” Natasha said, blinking back tears that threatened to spill. She reached behind the couch and pulled out a box she had stowed there. “Glad I got you this then or this would have been rather awkward.” 

“You shouldn’t have...” 

“Consider it your Christmas bonus. God knows you work hard.” Natasha said. 

“So do you. Too hard actually. Let’s take a day off.” Daisy said, sinking back into the couch and placing the box on her lap. 

“Granted no threats or global takeovers happen, I think that can be arranged.” Natasha laughed, feeling a bit lighter now. 

“Great. Now please open your presents before I go nuts. I’ve had that in since October.” 

Natasha shot her a glare but carefully unwrapped the paper anyway. The first box contained a new set of throwing knives since hers had gotten so much use in the past few months as they turned to training to keep them from thinking about their missing family. Her blades had dulled and it hurt to look at them sometimes, they’d been a gift from Laura and the kids. 

She left Clint a message. She’d left him a message every week that she doubted he’d ever hear but she still tried. She’d keep trying until his answering machine was full or he picked up. 

The second box had a bunch of movies. Trashy romcoms, old French films, black and white noir films, Disney movies from the nineties. All the kind of movies she loved but would never admit because who could know that the Black Widow’s favourite movie was Letters to Juliet? 

The final box contains the spider stuffed animal and a grey fluffy blanket with the Widow symbol on it. 

“You just want more movie nights.” Natasha laughed but inside she was practically glowing. Daisy looked a little sheepish and worried but it quickly changed to pride when she realised that Natasha actually liked her gifts and she wasn’t going to be knocked into next week. 

Daisy tore the wrapping paper of her box and took the lid off carefully. 

“Tasha...did you get us a kitten?”   
  


* * *

_1 year since the Snap.  
_

It kind of hits them unexpectedly that it’s been a year since the Snap. Since half the population were turned to dust. Since bus crashes and plane explosions and bombs and wars and shootings and riots and funerals and memorials. The world is still so damaged and broken, but it’s quieter. 

A thinly veiled silence wraps around the world on the anniversary. People flood the memorials in San Francisco, New York, London, Edinburgh, Dubai, Paris, everywhere. 

Everyone is grieving someone today. The world kept turning like nothing happened, but people haven’t forgotten. They can’t forget. 

Daisy and Natasha are among those at the New York memorial. They stand with Rhodey and Piper and Davis and Steve as speakers read out the names of the fallen. Natasha grips Daisy’s hand when they read out the names of her team, Piper squeezes Davis’ shoulder when the name of his wife is read out, his son standing at his side trying not to cry. Daisy hands the boy a stuffed elephant and somewhere in the back of Natasha’s mind, she wants to know where Daisy is getting all of these stuffed animals, but it doesn’t matter know. The boy, Tyler, silently thanks Daisy and she smiles before nodding to Piper and Davis. Steve stiffens when Bucky and Sam’s names are read, Natasha puts her hand in his. His grip is almost bruising but she doesn’t care. 

67,976 names are read and somewhere along the street, 45,362 names are being read. Across town, 57,154 names are read and across the world, in some tiny town, 58 names are read from that town alone. 

Everyone is grieving someone.   
  


* * *

_1 year and four months since the Snap.  
_

Daisy can always tell when Tasha has a bad day. Their cat, affectionately named Annie, one because they were both orphans with a sense of humour, and two, Sleepless in Seattle was one of their favourite movies, would run herself through Nat’s legs and cuddle with her all day. 

Daisy had just gotten back from a mission, the crime rates certainly hadn’t gone down and they worked closely with the FBI and CIA among other government agencies to bring the world to order. Some cult went nuts in Idaho, so it meant a lot of chasing high idiots through the woods in sweltering heats before finding an actual powered person and having to take them into custody for starting a cult and it was a whole thing. 

But she knows something is wrong because Annie doesn’t greet her at the door to the living quarters they’ve taken over in the compound, and she can hear quiet sniffles from the kitchen. 

“Tasha? You okay?” She calls to announce her presence. She hears one mumbled curse words and a cupboard being slammed shut. She heads on through the kitchen and finds said cat and Nat, wiping furiously at her eyes. “What’s wrong?” 

“Tried to make you Coulson’s grilled cheese when I saw what happened on your mission. Idaho is a nightmare in general, but add in cults and it’s ten times worse. But I messed it up and I felt so fucking stupid, because who messes up grilled cheese? And then all I could think was how I was letting you down but you didn’t even know I was making it and you’re tired and probably want a shower and _god_ , I couldn’t even do this one thing, and you’ve done so much and I’m such a fucking _failure_ and-“ 

“Nat! Stop, stop, it’s fine.” Daisy cuts her off because like her, Nat rambled when she was upset. “I’m not mad and you’re not a failure. You’re a fucking superhero who is doing her bloody best and I think that’s amazing. You’re an amazing best friend too, so please calm down before you pop an artery. I’ll make the grilled cheese.” 

“I just wanted to do something nice for you.” Nat said, wrapping her arms around herself. Daisy sighed and tugged Nat into a tight hug. 

“I know, and I really appreciate it honestly, I love you. Not many people would go out of their way to make me special recipe grilled cheese, let alone get upset if it went wrong. But you’re running on no sleep, screen eyes and black coffee, so go curl up on the sofa, shove on The Notebook and we’ll cry over grilled cheese okay?” Daisy kissed her on the forehead for emphasis and put Annie into her arms before turning her around and sending her off to the couch. 

“What would I do without you?” Natasha called she settled herself on the couch. 

“Probably live here alone and sad, trying to do it all yourself. Luckily, you’ve got me.” Daisy shouted back, trying not to let her voice waver. One of them had to be strong right now, but the familiar recipe felt like cold water on her body as she carefully sliced the cheese so it would fit perfectly, just the way Coulson taught her. 

He hadn’t been there to teach them to cook in 487 days. He was dying, and he gave her the cure, he and May were going to go to Tahiti, once they defeated Thanos. But instead, he’s ashes in a mass grave in Wakanda. He’s a name read out every February on Park Avenue. He’s memories from a fucking grilled cheese that make her eyes swim and it’s not from the spicy mustard. 

This is all they have. Memories and ghosts. Remnants of their loved ones, found family or blood, friends or foe, heroes or villains, it doesn’t matter anymore. 

Coulson. May. Simmons. Fitz. Mack. Yoyo. Mrs Davis. Sam. Bucky. Wanda. Vision. T’Challa. Shuri. The guy who sold them petrol for the jets at half price. The woman who ran the bakery down the street. Robin’s neighbours. Clint’s family. The guy who sold her dodgy movies when she was seventeen. Joey. Bobbi. Hunter. 

It doesn’t matter. They’re all gone. 

Annie comes in and butts her leg until she lifts her up to snuggle her. 

“I’m convinced you’re psychic.” She tells the cat wetly. “I appreciate the cuddle though.” 

* * *

_1 year and eight months since the Snap.  
_

”Explain to me again why I’m going on a mission with the Hulk?” Daisy asks. 

“He just got back from eighteen months in a gamma lab. He’s merged Banner with the Hulk and Sokovia is getting ready to unleash their army, which consists of leftover powered people from HYDRA’s experiments.” Nat rattled off, giving Daisy a glare when the girl pouted. “I’ll let you watch Brooklyn-Nine-Nine and order from the Chinese place you like downtown.” 

“You better. I’m putting up with Smart-Hulk who is like Fitz, Tony and Bobbi combined level smart, and is also green. Did I mention the Hulk nearly crushed my van in the Battle of New York? Whilst I was still in it? I’m not over that.” Daisy whined, strapping her gauntlets on regardless. 

“Oh please, Banner is one of your favourite people. You’re just pouty because you didn’t get to sleep in on your day off and your hip is still bruised-“ 

“My hip is fine!”   
  
“Your hip is still bruised from the last mission,” Nat carried on. “To be excited about this one. And you’re icing your hip when you get back.” 

“Yes, Mom.” Daisy said, just to get a glare out of Natasha. 

“Have fun, Daisy Chain.”   
  


* * *

_2 years since the Snap._

It’s a bigger service this year. They’re holding ones in every major city instead of all the tiny streets and towns and villages.

758,629 names are read out in Times Square. 

Natasha goes to the service in Moscow instead. 

1,389,746 names are read out. 

Yelena. Melina. Alexei. 

She doesn’t forget. She whispers her apologies in soft Russian to their names carved on the bricks that line the walls of the Kremlin. Tries not to think about the mission for the KGB her and Yelena ran here. Or about Alexei taking them for borscht and stroganoff at the tiny restaurant next to the Bolshoi theatre after they finally completed their mission. Or about Melina’s love for the hand-painted Russian nesting dolls that could only be found in that one shop in the square. 

She doesn’t want to think about any of it, but she does. 

Across the world, Daisy visits a graveyard after the service in Times Square, after dropping Davis and Tyler back at their home. Tyler still had the elephant she gave him last year. He’s nearly four now. 

It’s been a while since she visited Lincoln. 

His grave remains the same. The same cold stone, same black letters, same empty casket because his body exploded in space. Amanda used to leave him flowers every Sunday, Daisy used to leave them on Tuesday. 

Amanda was one of the names read out today. Daisy puts the money she used to send to her every month into a trust for Amanda’s daughter, the niece that Lincoln would never meet. Leah lives with her grandparents in upstate New York and Daisy visits every now and then. 

She sits for a long time at his grave. She wonders if he had still been here, would he have been snapped too? Were they always destined to lose each other? She’s cursed anyway, _death follows her_. She’s just sick of people drowning in her wake. 

She leaves his grave eventually, but she doesn’t leave the graveyard. Trip is buried here too. His mom was here recently, the flowers are still relatively fresh. His cousin, Sharon Carter’s name was read out too. 

She pays her respects to him. She’s glad she got to say goodbye to him in the Framework, but it doesn’t stop the inevitable sting of loss that still strikes. He died and she got these powers that were supposed to mean something. But all they’ve brought her is death. 

“Thought I’d find you here.” Tasha says behind her. 

“Thought you were still in Russia. Steve was asking for you.” Daisy says, touching the cold grave one more time. 

“I did what I had to do. And he should pick up my calls if he wants to talk that badly.” 

“He’s coming for dinner next week. So are the Stark’s.” Daisy tells her, gripping her hand as they leave the graveyard. 

“Its weird, isn’t it. It’s been two years, but it feels like nothing changed.” Tasha says quietly. 

“Everything changed and nothing changed. We’re powerless to stop any of it. We’re like some Greek tragedy at this point.” Daisy takes a hand through her hair, putting her sunglasses on as she gets into their SUV. The harsh February sun glares through the windshield and god, she just wants to smash the car and let herself crumple. She’s lived alone before, many times actually, and she has Tasha and Davis and Tyler and Piper, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel like enough. The hole in her chest is a chasm, rushing water beneath she’d kill to let herself drown in, but she can’t. 

They didn’t die for nothing. Nobody dies for nothing. 

* * *

_2 years and two months since the Snap.  
_

There’s a funny thing about grief, when it is felt worldwide. Or throughout the universe, as Carol tells them.

It is never the same for any one person. 

Everyone feels it differently. Sometimes that depends on who you lost, what they meant to you or what they had the potential to mean to you. Sometimes it depends on who you are, everyone loves something, take it away and what is left? 

Two full rotations of the Earth have passed and the world has accepted. Not fully processed, but accepted. There’s been shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and finally, acceptance. The seven stages of grief felt by an entire planet. 

Natasha still finds herself looking for solutions late at night. Daisy sits by her side working on whatever project she’s thrown herself into to keep herself from breaking apart. Watchdogs, crime rings, burglaries. She’s part-time SHIELD, Avenger and FBI agent, and somehow finds time to work at a gym on weekends, teaching self defence. Annie curls up by their side, purring contentedly when Daisy runs her belly. 

“This is useless.” Natasha says one night. She’s been doing this for two years and she can’t find a way to bring them back. 

“It’s not useless, you’re just tired.” Daisy soothes. It just makes Natasha more angry. 

“I just- I feel so useless. I walk down the street and all you can see is people trying to pretend they’re okay, like their entire world didn’t end. Two years, Daisy, why haven’t I found a solution in two years?” She’s crying by then end. Daisy shakes her head and draws her in for a hug. 

“You’re only one person, Tash. One person with the weight of the world on their shoulders, you’re overworked and stressed. You are not useless okay? You do so much for the world and it’s okay if you can’t do this. One person doesn’t have the entire solution. Remember my whole puzzle theory? One person alone can’t fix a problem, but one hundred people with all their tiny pieces? That’ll probably get the job done. You’re trying to reverse the death of 50% of all life, I don’t think you can do that on your own.” 

“You’re really good at those motivational speeches.” Natasha mumbles into Daisy’s shoulder, causing the taller woman to laugh. 

“I got it from Coulson. But seriously Tasha, you’re driving yourself nuts with this. Take a few weeks off of this and help me with this supposed alien terrorist. It’s quite the case.” Daisy says, giving her one last shoulder squeeze before handing her a brown folder. 

“You’ve been working with the FBI too much if you’re calling it that.” Natasha joked, Annie coming to sit in her lap. “But I appreciate it.” 

“Don’t mention it.”   
  


* * *

_2 years and ten months since the Snap._

The year seemed to fly by and before they knew it, it was Christmas again. Steve actually picked up her call this year, as did Tony and Pepper and they talked for a long time. This is, until Daisy started screaming.

Natasha ran along the hall with her hun drawn, just in case Daisy was being attacked or something. But she got to Daisy’s room and found it empty apart from a screaming Daisy, writhing in her sleep. 

Nightmares. Natasha knew she got them, you didn’t get to where they were without them, but she’d never heard Daisy this loud before. Usually the compound shook a little before Daisy woke up, or she’d find her in the office building programs to avoid going back to sleep, but she’d never encountered this Daisy, the one stuck in night terrors. 

“Zee? Zee, wake up! It’s just a dream, Zee.” She called out to the younger woman who twisted and turned but seemed to be stuck down. She screamed again and the room shook. “Daisy! Wake up!” 

At the loud voice, Daisy shot up and turned with her palm splayed at Natasha who dodged before the quake blast hit her. It hit the wall instead, the shelf tumbling off the wall and the record player that Natasha is pretty sure belonged to Coulson crashing to the floor. It doesn’t break, just knocked open. 

“You can’t do this please!” Daisy begs, still trapped in whatever nightmare she was stuck in. “No! Fitz!” 

And that makes Natasha start. Any time Daisy has mentioned Fitz, it’s been with good memories about her team. He was the engineer, the one who protected her from the team when she got her powers, the one she held when Simmons disappeared. But this sounds more like fear. 

“Daisy, it’s not real. Please wake up.” Natasha said, still keeping her distance because she knows from her own experiences that she didn’t like to be touched when she was in night terrors. 

“No! No! _Please!_ ” 

“Дейзи, это не настоящее, пожалуйста проснись.” (Daisy, this isn’t real, please wake up.) Natasha tries. It seems to work, Daisy’s eyes open fully and she blinks a few times before softly whispering, “Natasha?”. 

“Yeah, Zee. You’re okay, it was just a nightmare.” She moves over to Daisy’s bed, sitting on the edge as Daisy tucked herself into a ball. 

“M’sorry.” Daisy mumbled, her chin on her knees, foot tapping against the sheets with the leftover adrenaline from fighting with nightmares. 

“Don’t do that. We all get nightmares. We’ve been through a lot, I’d be more concerned if you didn’t get nightmares, Zee.” Natasha said. “You want to talk about it?” 

“It was over two years ago, I should be over it now.” Daisy said bitterly. 

“I’m not over the Red Room and I left there when I was sixteen. As many psychologists have told me, healing is not a linear process.” 

“It was after we came back from space. Y’know after I’d been sold into slavery and forced to fight and had a fucking inhibitor put in my neck. There was a fear rift and we couldn’t close it, it was going to destroy the town. I was the only one who could manipulate the Gravitonium but we needed my powers for that. So Fitz had a psycho split and thought it was a good idea to knock me out, drug me, strap me to a table and cut the inhibitor out with no anaesthesia and no consent. And I can’t even be mad at him because he’s dead and everyone thought I should have just forgiven him but I couldn’t do that and now he’s gone so I can’t even sort it out with him!” Daisy’s dissolved into quiet sobs by the end, harsh tears that have been waiting to fall for what must be nearly three years. “And the worst part is that I know it was the right thing in the end, we did need my powers. But I’m still so angry, Tasha.” 

“I know, sestra. And honestly? You had every right to be angry, he violated your body autonomy and took away your choice. I’m sorry, Zee, I’m so sorry you went through that and that you can’t fix it. But you know you’re not alone, okay? I’m here if you need a hug or a rant or you just want to spar.” Natasha said, she’d gotten a lot better at this whole emotions and comforting thing after living with Daisy for so long. She moved to wrap Daisy in her arms, wondering how she got here. The last person she loved like this, like her sister, was Yelena. 

She promised herself after she had to leave Yelena again that she wouldn’t let herself love someone like that again. They only got hurt. 

Daisy was the unknown variable. The young girl with the power to crack planets with her bare hands, who had turned aliens to dust. The girl who looked at the Black Widow and wasn’t afraid. Her best friend, her sister, her family. 

“I love you, Zee.” She whispers as Daisy sobs, grateful when she feels Daisy’s calloused hand grip her own. The years of fighting endless wars have scarred them both but they’re both here, on Christmas night, still holding each other. 

It feels like they might be okay. 

* * *

_3 years since the Snap.  
_

Daisy and Natasha go to the service in Detroit instead of New York. They’re on mission, but the world will always stop spinning on this day. The only day the wars will cease, guns will stop, traffic slows and the air is heavy. The world is joined in solidarity for what they have lost. Connected through the empty space of their loved ones. 

The service here is quiet. Much quieter than Times Square or Moscow, the people here grieve in silence as the 346,782 names are read out. 

It’s a long service. There’s a single scream in the crowd as a woman cries for her lost child, her son. They light candles and hold them to the sky, tiny apologies and what if’s and notes of love sent into the atmosphere. Maybe people think that somewhere out there, the people they lost will understand. 

They aren’t forgetting. They aren’t forgiving. They are remembering. They are recovering. 

* * *

_3 years and three months since the Snap.  
_

”So how is she actually doing?” Steve asks Daisy when they spar in the gym in Brooklyn she teaches at. He comes in once a month, mainly to check up on Nat and even though Daisy tells him to just drop by to see her in person, he says it hurts too much. He doesn’t want her to see that hurt. She gets that. 

“Okay, I think. You know, we actually talk about our feelings whilst we braid each other’s hair and talk about boys.” Daisy said sarcastically, throwing another punch his way, he dodges and she twists around him, getting her elbow in his back. “You’d know if you actually picked up her calls.” 

“I try to. But it always reminds me of what we lost. Who we lost.” Steve says, flipping Daisy over his shoulder but she rolls. She’s been training with the Black Widow for three years after all. 

“And she lost the people that are still here. She lost everything, Steve. Surely you two could bond over that or something?” Daisy persists. She knows Nat talks to Pepper quite often, but that she misses Steve more than anything. Clint still isn’t slowing down his crime spree and Tony’s got Morgan, Rhodes is in Indonesia currently and Banner is quite the public figure now. In short, she wants Nat to get out of the compound with someone other than herself. 

“I’ll call her tomorrow. And you? You’re holding up okay?” Steve concedes. 

“As well as I can do. Just try to keep busy. Support group doing well?” She changes the subject just like she always do. Steve sighs and tells her about the latest stories from the group as they clean up the gym and the mats. 

“Same time next month?” Daisy asks before they lock up. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He says instead and Daisy gives him a smile. Mission accomplished.   
  


* * *

_3 years and eight months since the Snap.  
_

Natasha is starting to lose track of time to be honest. One day she was still on the battlefield in Wakanda and people were dying and turning to dust and the world was ending, and the next it’s been three years and it’s Halloween. 

Somehow Daisy wrangles her into helping out at the gym she teaches at. They’re having a Halloween party for the kids there, still trying to give them a sense of normality amongst the chaos that had been the last three years. 

They felt it of course. The kids see their broken parents, or missing parents, grieving for their siblings, their grandparents, cousins, friends. The orphanage her and Daisy set up is still full of kids that grieve daily, the younger ones don’t understand and the older ones are traumatised. The orphanage kids are here too. 

“Love the costume.” How Daisy got Stark to come, she’ll never know. She smirks down at her Merida costume, given to her by Daisy. She’d glared at the girl, dressed as the yellow Power Ranger, who’d laughed and handed her a bowl of candy. 

“Blame Johnson, this whole thing was her idea. Morgan here?” She asks him. 

“Yep, over there with Johnson, actually. Did she plan the matching Power Rangers costumes or was that a coincidence?” He nods to a small girl in a pink Power Rangers costume standing next time Daisy, who also has a small gaggle of kids playing a massive game of Catch the Balloon, helped with Daisy’s powers. And sure enough, most of the kids are in brightly coloured costumes much the same as Daisy’s and Morgan’s. 

“Think she planned it. She was with the kids at the orphanage for about a week before this.” Natasha said. “How are you?” 

“Better. A lot better. Hard to believe it’s been three years isn’t it?” He says, looking a little awkward in his Flynn Ryder costume that she feels Morgan chose, Pepper was in a Rapunzel costume somewhere. 

“We take it day by day.” She answers, handing him a glass of orange juice. Too many people here had struggled with addiction so they tended to stick to non-alcoholic drinks at things like that. “Don’t be stranger.” 

“You too, Romanoff.” 

* * *

_4 years since the Snap.  
_

It’s February again. Daisy’s come to hate this month. Hates the crowds, the memorials, the news reports that tell her how many people she failed to save. 

This is the point she’s come to. Back into the self-blaming spiral she went down after Lincoln and Hive, when her world has been tipped on its axis and she can’t fucking _breathe_ the weight of it is so heavy.

Four years they’ve been gone. 

Four years and she’s still missing them, still hoping that they figure out how to bring them back so she can make up with Fitz, tell Coulson and May she loves them, hug Jemma, play COD with Mack and spar and joke with Elena. 

But she can’t. 

And it _hurts_. 

She cracks in the shower. The water falls on her and she curls into a ball and shakes and sobs and the walls shake but she couldn’t care less. She’s meant to be at the service in two hours but right now, she can’t get off the floor. 

It’s more frustration than anything. Anger rather than sadness. She’s for the sadness, cried the soft, beautiful tears that people expect but now, all that’s left is anger. Red hot and blaring, the sharp knife of wrongness envelopes her. She should have done more, she can do more, it wasn’t enough, she wasn’t enough. She screams out in pain, memories hitting her again and again with the pain of a four year delay, those last moments on the battlefield with them. 

She should have said goodbye. She should have said so many things. She should have done so many things but she didn’t. That’s what hurts the most. 

She slams her fist against the wall and the tiles crash to the floor, sharp ceramic cutting into her legs and she doesn’t even notice the pain. It’s Lincoln all over again, but tenfold because all of them are still fucking gone and she can’t bring them back and- 

“Daisy, stop.” She doesn’t even realise that Tasha has entered the shower and is standing over her with an Icer. Or that she has a piece of tile in her hand poised at her wrists. She didn’t realise any of it. 

“Tasha...” 

“Put the tile down, Daisy.” She can’t. Her fingers shake and yet she can’t let it go. 

“I c-can’t, Tasha. It’s too much.” She sobs, the water still hitting her. Blood runs down her legs from where the tile smashed and the sight of the bright red against her skin makes her start and she drops the tile in her hand, scrambling away. 

“Come here, Zee.” Tasha says softly, offering her one of their fluffier towels. The world still feels off to her, she doesn’t even register the embarrassment she normally would at the situation, she just goes to Tasha, letting her sister wrap her up. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispers against her shoulder, hearing the shower being turned off. 

“It’s fine. Come on, we’ll get you cleaned up.” Tasha says, kissing her head affectionately. Had you told her four years ago if the Black Widow would ever be this soft with her, she’d probably have sent you to a psychiatrist. Funny what four years and a mass genocide can do. 

“I wasn’t even thinking...” 

“I know you weren’t. Today is just...a hard day. It all hit you at once?” Daisy nodded. “And everything feels wrong. But we’ll get through this, Zee. Together.” 

And hours later, standing in Times Square with one hand in Tasha’s and one in Tyler’s, it feels like she actually might. 

* * *

_4 years and six months since the Snap._

“How was therapy?” It was the first thing they did after the four year anniversary. Tony actually recommended them his, so Natasha goes on Wednesdays and Daisy goes on Fridays. 

“Much the same. Told them yet another traumatic experience, had a good cry, got taught some coping techniques, paid and got me refill for Prozac. So, good on the whole.” Daisy said lifelessly, flopping down on the couch and throwing her shoes to the other side of the room. 

“But it’s helping?” For the first time, she was actually an advocate for therapy. Dr Winston was an Italian immigrant with blue streaks in her hair and teleportation powers. She was one of the best in the business and Natasha found herself opening up about things she never had before, actually accepting her abusive and traumatic past, and moving forward. She wasn’t healed obviously, that would take a lot longer than six months, but she was doing better. 

“Considering my last therapist turned out to be an Inhuman monster who I accidentally got killed? Yeah, this is better.” Daisy quipped, stroking Annie’s back. 

“You’re just a little bucket of trauma aren’t you?” Natasha teased. 

“I’m short, I’m bisexual and I have very little money, you can imagine the stress I am under.” 

“That is definitely not the quote, no matter how accurate it is.” Natasha poked the girl in her stomach, smirking when Daisy squirmed away. 

“Please don’t.” Daisy begged quickly but it was no use, Natasha was already tickling her. Daisy squealed and giggled, trying to escape from Natasha but we’ll, Tasha was freakishly strong. “Mercy! Mercy!” 

“If you insist.” Natasha raised an eyebrow and Daisy righted herself, a very annoyed Annie coming back to sit in her lap. 

“I’m really glad you’re still here, Tasha.” Daisy said quietly, once she’d got her breath back. Natasha looked at her in surprise. “I just- you’re my sister yknow? I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you.” 

“Daisy...I don’t know what I would have done without you the last four years. I know we don’t do sappy because we’re yknow, badasses and whatever, but you’re my family, Zee. You mean everything to me.” Natasha said, putting her arm around the younger woman. It was true, Daisy was her family in everything but blood. 

“Well you know what they say. Badass superheroes with traumatic backstories who fight together, stay together.” 

“No one says that, Daisy.” 

“They should!”

“Sure, sestra.”   
  


* * *

_5 years since the Snap.  
_

”Do you think it’ll still be like this in another five years?” Daisy asked as they stood at the monuments in San Francisco. The names had already been read, but the place was still full.

“I think it’ll be quieter. Ten years will have passed by then, people will stop coming to the big ceremonies.” Rhodey said. He was in town for the memorial. 

“I don’t want it to get quieter. We should always remember, you know?” Daisy said, tracing the names starting with W on the stone in front of her. “But we move forward don’t we?” 

“We have to. Or we’ll never recover.” Steve said, putting his hand on Daisy’s shoulder. 

They stood like that for a while. The superheroes who were left, the ones who watched the end of the world. 

Five years is a long time. There’s been advances in technology, new politics and laws, movies and music and culture. The world did not move on as such, it just kept turning. This is the beauty of life, the eventual acceptance of death. 

There will always be people crying in grocery stores or on dates when they decide to move on. There will always be empty seats in classrooms where kids used to sit. There will always be support groups needed, hell they had to invent new drugs to up dopamine levels for a while before those got banned by the state. 

So the world ended and yet it kept turning. Weird how those things happen. 

* * *

_5 years and five months since the Snap.  
_

And then it all seemed to end at once. 

Suddenly they had a plan, a way to bring everyone back. They were pulling a time heist and Clint was back. They were going to space and then they were on a desolate mountain, climbing to the top so they could finally reverse what happened. 

And then it made sense. What had been wrong all these years, those five years that she had spent in practical isolation, her only reprieve being Daisy who was currently in 2012 trying to get the Tesseract from Loki. It made sense that she would die here, with her best friend, her brother, who she hadn’t spoken to in five years, but still loved all the same. This was how she cleaned the red in her ledger, this was how she paid her dues. 

“Tell Daisy I love her. You tell her, Clint. Tell her not to blame herself for this, this is just how things are. Please, Clint, tell her.” She begs as she hangs off Vormir. One last goodbye and then she had to go. 

“No, Nat, please. She needs you, they all need you.” Clint sobs, hanging on to her for dear life. She smiled sadly. 

“It’s okay, let me go, Clint. Let me go.” 

* * *

_One day after since the second Snap._

There are few times in her life she has felt so helpless.

They saved the world. They brought them back. But they still lost. Somehow, they _still_ lost. 

Tasha and Tony. Both good people. Both heroes. Both family. 

Daisy sobs when she finds out, crying into Mack’s arms like she had wanted to for five years but they weren’t Tasha’s arms. It wasn’t her sister’s hug or tea or trashy movie anymore.

Five years is a long time to spend with someone, you grow used to them being there. So when they’re suddenly gone, it’s all you can feel. 

She’s glad that everyone is back. She gets to make up with Fitz and hug Jemma, and she gets to tell Coulson and May that she loves them, and she gets to play COD with Mack and spar and joke with Elena. She’s happy she gets that of course and she makes the most of it. She knows how precious life is now. 

But there’s a Russian assassin shaped hole in her life now and it hurts more than anything. 

“She told me to tell you that she loved you.” Clint tells her at Nat’s funeral. They stand at the gravesite even though it’s an empty caskets. 

She‘s buried a lot of those. 

“I know. I listened to the black box from your comms last night.” Daisy says, quaking the fresh dirt so it lies flat. She lays white lilies, Tasha’s favourite flower, against the gravestone. “She never stopped calling you.” 

“I know. I listened to most of them last night too.” He says, laying the arrow he shot at her all those years ago when he brought her into SHIELD at the foot of Daisy’s lilies. 

“We were lucky to have known her. She was the best type of person.” Daisy says, tugging Nat’s favourite leather jacket tighter around her shoulders. It still smells like her, cinnamon and apple. 

“We were. Think she knows she did it? That she saved us all after all?” 

“Yeah. I think she knows.” 

**Author's Note:**

> If you read the whole thing then I salute you, thank you, I really hope you liked it!


End file.
